Flutter By

I feel strongly about the lack of awareness in this world about mental health issues and emotional disorders. Depression affects something like 1 in 3 people at some point of their lives. Anxiety disorders are just as common. There seems to be an increase in the mortality rate from suicide, particularly in young men. Just recently a young 13 year old boy in Cairns, who had been missing for over two months was found dead about 200m from his home. Noone knew he was depressed. He was popular and always smiling, and he achieved well at school and had an active social life. How long had he suffered in silence?

And only days ago, Jay Dee Springbett, an A&R executive for Sony music – but best known for his stint as a judge on Australian Idol – was found dead in his lounge room. It appeared he had suffered cardiac arrest. He had prescription drugs nearby. By all reports, he was a good man, full of cheer and good humour. He was bright spirited and his untimely end is a devastating loss to his friends and family. His funeral was held today in Sydney. How long had he suffered in silence?

Too many people suffer in silence. I know what that silence sometimes sounds like... and there is no denying that the silence people suffer in leads to way too many lives ending much too soon. For Jay Dee, for Declan, and for all the people who left this life prematurely, this poem is for you. For anyone else who has or is suffering in silence, please speak up. No-one should ever have to suffer in silence. Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of feeling things more intensely than others. If you hold out your hand and ask for help... that is a sign of strength. This poem is for you as well.


FLUTTER BY

Flutter by my butterfly
Dream of the deep blue sky
Fly like an eagle
Way up high
Listen closely to the ocean’s sigh
Fight like a warrior
With a spirit bright...
Flutter by...
Beautiful butterfly
Open your arms to forever
And fill your heart with a smile
Don’t cry
Just flutter by...
Let the truth do the talking
And your smile whisper to the sky
The secrets of the heavens
Let there be no question why
Close your mind to the darkness
Let life not pass you by
For the world is much too precious
And the stakes are much too high
Flutter by my butterfly
Dream of the deep blue sky
Open your arms to forever
...just flutter by

I can see a restless soul always itchin' to run...

This week I had my final week on campus at uni before graduating, all five days filled with sessions with various people from the education industry speaking about all the vital things we need to know and do before going off to be teachers.

Mostly I erred on the side of boredom. So I drew pictures. Here are my three favourites.

This is my interpretation of Wes Carr's forthcoming album title Lions.




This is magical flower, or a cosmic flower.




Actually it kind of matches my Cosmic Flower poem from a while back. Here is the poem again just for fun.


My Cosmic Flower

Deep in the cosmos you glimmer
Next to the starry sea
Like a lurid dream
Awash with fantasy
There's no sunshine there
No rain, or day or night
There's no awake or sleeping
And there' no wrong or right
On the jagged edge of this perforated universe
All looks convoluted and dismissive at first
Yet right on the banks of infinity
Murky, vast and bare
Nothing has it's limits
Not even the darkest despair
But there underneath a solitary beam of moonlight
Stands still, the most perfect precious sight
Untarnished and emitting
An other worldly glow
Your silhouette exquisite
A kaleidoscope rainbow
Never has there been anything so beautiful
Just standing quietly there
As you my cosmic flower
...my sacred love so rare


And this picture is a serpent which lives in your chest and sometimes threatens to squeeze the life out of you. It represents fear, anxiety, doubt and restlessness. And when he tightens and tries to take over your mind and body, it sometimes feels like you just want to run... the art is based loosely on Wes' song lyric "you can see a restless soul always itching to run".

An Open Letter To Spidey

Dear Spidey

I was quietly on my way today
From A to B poste haste
When silently you crept with stealth across my unsuspecting face
The fear, it froze me to my bones
What was I to do?
I was driving along a winding road
And I hadn't invited you!
Oh uninvited guest, I nearly swerved into a ditch!
Dear Mr Spidey, I thought,
You inconsiderate son of a bitch!
I almost crashed, I could have died,
My life flashed before my eyes
And it was all your fault dear spidey
You were not a good surprise!
But as I calmed I realised
You were simply a restless soul 
Just like me, you were itchin to run
Screaming to rock and roll!
A friend was all you needed
A friend, I surely can be!
But next time dear spidey, if you want to say hello
Please don't creep all over me! 


 

Always Believe...

“Lean in closer” you whispered
So I leaned right in.
I almost fell into you
“Smile just a little” your heart begged
So I did.
I beamed, and suddenly the night wasn’t so dark
“Close your eyes and listen” you soothed
So I closed my eyes and opened my heart
I heard you like a bell ringing in the night
“I’ll tell you a story” you promised
So I waited. I believed you.
“Surrender yourself to your dreams” you seduced
So I let go of the solid ground beneath me
And looked up to the sky
“Feel your toes curl like magic has infiltrated your body” you winked
So I felt it. I trembled in a coma of bliss
“Open your eyes and see it for yourself” you sighed
And so I looked. And I saw the sweet, tranquil wonder I’d missed
“Let me show you the secret” you offered
So I took your hand and never looked back
“Lean in closer” you beckoned
Your hands cupped, outstretched
So I did. I leaned in. I saw it
It was breathtaking
You showed me something mystical
Something majestic
Something full of spright
You showed me, not the whole world
You showed me just the light
“And the secret” you whispered,
“is not to let it guide you – let your heart do that..”
“the secret” you said with a glint in your eye
“is to bathe in it”
“For if you do, you will always shine like the brightest star in the sky”
And I believed you
...I always have

Words (channeling Dr Seuss)

Words can seem far, so tiny you miss ‘em
Some are so close, you could practically kiss ‘em
Some words are empty, a jar on a shelf
But when they’re full up, they're all for myself!
Some words are quick, they’re found just like that!
They roll off your tongue at the drop of a hat!
Some words shine like a star or brilliant moonbeam
But fade rather quickly, just like a dream
Words are your friend but they’re also your foe
At times they might tell you what you already know
They get you in trouble if you don’t choose with care
Words can be cheeky, go on say it if you dare!
Words are the glue that hold your thoughts all together
They help you make chit chat ‘bout stuff like the weather!
They’re shady, they’re sunny, they’re hard and they’re runny
Some are quite bitter, and some sweet like honey
Words are the fuel that takes us to a far away place
Where wild words are aplenty, and some go to waste
Words can heal wounds, they can make us feel warm
They can help us hang on while we weather the storm
Words are the things which open your heart
So love your words! They’ll set you apart
Choose them when you’re happy, or even when you’re sappy
Choose them when you’re sad, when you’re bad, or even when you’re mad
Choose them just for you! Old words or new! Made up or true!
Choose them everyday... choose words just for you.

Copyright Lucinda Douglas 2011

The Lovestone's Destiny...

Some time ago, I watched this YouTube video. The song is written by a well known musician who was hit with a spark of inspiration after seeing the busker in the video at the Portobello Markets in London. Both Marvel and the Jonesteens are fictional.

After I watched it, the inspiration seemed to be paid forward. To me. I suddenly had the urge to write a biography/ background story for Marvel Jonesteen and his band. I felt the band was made up of Marvel, his two brothers and his sister. They were a quirky family, each with their own set of issues and challenges.

The story of Marvel and the Jonesteens began in Bali some twenty years ago. Like many stories of inspiration and triumph, it is steeped in a volcanic eruption of challenges, tragedies and melancholy. The three Jonesteen brothers and their younger sister Destiny were drawn to music from very early on when their father managed a bar and nightclub in Ubud, Bali for several years. Marvel remembers fondly the Indonesian and Balinese bands his father had playing in the bar, and was also fascinated by a street busker in town who called himself ‘Tutti’. Tutti would sit cross legged with his front teeth missing, playing his bamboo xylophone ‘rindik’, creating percussion with a rainstick, and sing all day, every day. All the Jonesteen children stopped to watch and give him money regularly.

But it wasn’t until the Jonesteen family relocated back to Sydney Australia, that their musical talents would show themselves. A troubled thirteen year old Marvel soon picked up a guitar and began to write songs that were often somewhat conflicted in content. Marvel would frequently say that “Frank” wrote them, which both baffled and concerned his family. Three years later, Marvel was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, and the song “I don’t want to die this way” was born. Marvel can proudly recall when “Frank” was upset with him for taking medication for his illness and wrote the song out of desperation. Apparently “Frank” had no intention of dying this way, and eventually Marvel discontinued the medication. Marvel and Frank still live side by side, in a somewhat volatile existence. Nevertheless, they make a great musical team.

Marvel’s traumatic story isn’t the only story in the Jonesteen family which is extraordinary. The youngest of the siblings, Destiny, was a keen pianist like brother Jacquin, until, at age 15, she had a nasty run-in with the in-sink-erator and lost her right hand. Sadly after a long fight with infection , gangrene set in and there was no choice but to amputate. Devastated, Destiny sunk into deep depression until one day her father brought home a drum kit. It was then that she took matters into her own hands.. well actually, hand. With her one hand, she attacked those drums with fiery valour. The drummer from Def Leopard may have only one hand, but so does Destiny Jonesteen...so watch out!

The story of Jacquin Jonesteen, is no less extraordinary! Jacquin, nicknamed “Froggy” was born with a congenital defect that left his arms deformed so that his hands were nothing more than stubs. Life has always been a major challenge for him, but the determined lad never let anything get him down. Jacquin would spend hours of his youth stretching his toes apart with paddle pop sticks and clothes pegs to acquire the necessary flexibility to carry out everyday tasks. It was his widespread toes that quickly gained him the nickname Froggy. This unbelievable keyboardist plays only with his toes, a feat not even Destiny could manage after her accident! With his naturally stretchy and flexible toes, Jacquin Jonesteen can do anything! Except climb Mount Everest! Although this is a sad fact for Froggy, he openly admits that climbing Everest is not worth the risk of getting frostbite to his toes and being left totally helpless. He prides himself on the fact that he can open a stubby with his toes.. a skill worth hanging on to!

The eldest Jonesteen brother has had a somewhat less eventful life. Prior to joining the band, Xenos (otherwise simply known as Xen) was a painter by trade. Sadly Xen lost his job for excessively sniffing paint stripper and mineral turps on the job and still battles this addiction today. But every cloud has a silver lining, just as every sniff of paint stripper burns a few hairs out of one’s nostrils. Xen picked up the bass guitar for the first time in two years and chipped away at it, rediscovering his undeniable passion for music. Xen insists that the inhalation of toxic liquids has enhanced his musical vision and gives him a head start over his brothers and sister, creatively. Marvel and Frank fully disagree.

Marvel and the Jonesteens have been on a strange and tragic, yet epic journey, and they invite you to join them. From Bali, to Sydney, to the planet Mars, this is a ride through some wild unpredictable terrain, but one you will not forget. With musical sounds combining the mellowed out Indonesian vibes from their humble beginnings in Bali, and an obvious influence of greats such as Led Zeppelin, The Doors and The Beatles, this is one band that will leave you salivating for more.

I pondered and dreamt up many other background facts about the Jonesteen family, all of which are very silly and over the top. For obvious reasons, I will never be able to use the name Marvel, or Jonesteen if I ever write the story and I will have to streamline the ideas and make sure that I write about any disabilities or mental health problems in a sensitive way. I envisaged a mock up of a memoir mixed with rock and roll autobiography written from Destiny’s perspective. I also think the subject would be better targeted to teenagers, which means the content would need to be toned down.

It has evolved a little since the original spark of inspiration, but I wanted to share it because I think it is a story I would one day really like to write. I am playing with changing the family’s name to Lovestone. Marvel will be Merlin. Yep, Merlin! I imagine his given name will be Neil after his mother’s love of Neil Diamond. Destiny will be the only one who goes by her actual name, as all three of her brothers have chosen to give themselves silly names. Merlin, Xenos and Titan (which titan are you then, douchebag? “Beeros of course! God of the almighty golden ale!”). The characters will be a little younger than I originally dreamed up, probably teenagers except for the eldest, Xen. Destiny, despite being the youngest, will be the “responsible” one. I imagine arguments over the name of their band, which is going to be born one day in the family garage. Merlin would like it to be Merlin’s Apprentices, Titan votes for Titan’s Warriors even though he plays keyboard and doesn’t sing. And Destiny and Xen both vote for The Lovestone’s Destiny with Destiny up front on lead vocals.
The winning name, and working title for the book, since it’s an interesting play on words is The Lovestone’s Destiny.

Now all I have to do is go on tour with a band and hang out with them to see what happens for research!! So what do you all think???

Oddball Ballet Duo and other stuff

I was looking through a pile of stuff of yesterday from years ago and came across a folder which I used to use for note taking when I had retail skills training for a retail traineeship many moons ago. I was pleasantly surprised to find this picture of the "Oddball Ballet Duo" and another picture I will show you in a minute, amongst the rubble, because it reminded me that my inattentive mind has been dreaming up stories and living in the world of my imagination for a long time. I'd forgotten that I used to do things like this.

I'm sad to say that these are some of the very last remnants of my creative mind from years ago. I once had a very weak moment and ripped up all the old diaries and notebooks I had kept from about the age of fourteen, after deciding it would be really good "therapy". I had thought that I would rather not read through them ever again and nor did I want anyone else to if I happened to get run over by a bus or something. Some of the stuff was definitely enough to make me cringe! I have done the same thing a few times with my computer files - purged them and made the decision that they need not be read again, or kept. It is water under the bridge now, but I regret it a little bit, because my head has always been a minefield of words and stories and thoughts and poems and little doodles and pictures, and some things should be held onto and cherished.

I'm not sure what was going through my head when I thought of the Oddball Ballet Duo! But I do remember they were an eccentric pair of brothers who were inspired by eighties glam rock/punk/pop. We'll call the black-haired one Jonno and the red head Jimbo. Jonno was a multi-tasking man who could dance, play a keyboard and smoke a cigar at the same time. Apparently, by the looks of his star of David pendant, he was a jew. Or maybe he just thought being a jew would be cool. His brother Jimbo is a cross dresser and thinks that is part of his appeal. It looks like he must be catholic. Oh the sins he has committed in this one picture!!

The other picture I found was a picture of a little girl begging. She has darker tones and green eyes... maybe she was middle eastern (Persian)? I'm not sure, but I think she was looking at rich people walking past, heavily laden with gold jewellery, and amazing silk clothing and knowing already that she was never going to have what those people had.



I'm not much of an artist... but it is kind of cool to look back on this kind of thing and wonder where the inspiration came from.

Be careful about what you choose to throw away guys. Once it is gone, you can't get it back.