Come on baby light my fire...

Men. We love 'em and we hate 'em. I have had a lot of intense contact with a man I have let myself like too much in the last couple of months. We live in the same city,yet have had little physical contact because he has a girlfriend he is apparently unhappy with, yet not willing to leave. Our contact has been reduced for the most part to a mixture of light hearted and flirtatious banter via text messages and phone calls.

I know, I know. The alarm bells are going off right? I know this contact is not very healthy,yet I have just been rendered completely irrational every time I speak to him or see his words. The attraction is in the fact that he has never said a single thing that has left me wondering if he is the right kind of person for me. He ironically comes across as completely honest, he is kind, has a sense of humour so identical to mine that he has laughed at my jokes for five or ten minutes straight, even bad jokes. He is smart (a hippy environmental scientist)and articulate and very easy going.

He's not an addict, he's not suicidal, bi-polar or schizophrenic, he is not unemployed, he's not into prostitutes and he is not an arsehole or lacking social skills in any form. Unlike some of the creatures my poor friend Carly Findlay has happened upon lately!

Yet, he just doesn't quite seem to have it together.He would rather be with a girl he doesn't love and just flirt and play with fire on the side. Arghhhhhhhh!! I guess there comes a time when you just have to accept that he is just not that into you... and you have to walk away.

This kind of sums up how I feel:



FIRE


If you want to feel warm
Then light a fire
Ignite the flames
And watch them flicker
Inside her hungry soul
If you want to feel free
Then roam like a lion
On the open savannah
Stalk your prey
Then pounce
At the peak, opportune moment
If you want to let go
Then dance like a shadow
A silken silhouette
Surrendering to the moonlight
And the rain
And the sunshine
Wait for her to mirror
Your every calculated move
If you want to feel light
Float in the ocean
Let the sun kiss your spirit
And the current drag you away
From life as you know it
If you want to dream big
Then reach to the sky
And hang your hopes on the stars
Hang your hopes on her
She lives on the moon
Waiting for a fellow moon dweller
To join her in holey matrimony
If you want to feel warm
Build a fire
Then watch the flames flicker
They’ll dance inside her
Like an orchestra of sweet scented words
Dazzle her
Then stand far away
Safe from being burned
And watch her get away
Just like you’ve done a million times before

Persmission To Give Up

Sometimes all you want to do is run. From the task in front of you. From the problems in your life. From other people. From yourself. I can hear the collective sigh of everyone reading. We all feel like running away and giving up sometimes, and the general consensus of the world we live in today is “never ever give up”, because giving up is failing. It is losing face. It is letting ourselves down. It is showing weakness. But is there ever a time when it is okay to just give yourself permission to give something up and let it go?

I had a good talk with my mother last night. Like all mothers, she always knows better even if I think I’m managing to hide how I feel about something. A mother’s intuition I guess. It has been a difficult year, financially and with my studies and trying to take that step into the next chapter of my life, in a nice, easy, smooth glide. But life isn’t about smooth, easy glides from one thing to the next. It is bumpy, often blind, and sometimes scary. I have been to the edge and back a few times. I have crumbled. I have hit some low points this year much lower than I ever believed my circumstances would have warranted and felt so unlike myself I didn’t particularly want to look in the mirror or face the day at all. Crying spells unfortunately featured quite a lot this year.

For the uninitiated, I have invested the better part of four years into my university degree and really am on the cusp of becoming a teacher and leaving the long nights of study and caffeine overdose far far behind me. I have also invested two years into dragging my feet along with my honours thesis, trying to find a way to make it all come together and make sense. I have spent many an hour sitting in front of my laptop staring at the screen, writing 3 sentences, then deleting them, then researching some more, reading, writing another 3 sentences. Delete. It has been the death of me really. The research topic kind of fell into my lap at the start. I wanted to do research in the area of literacy and the use of multiliteracies and popular media in the classroom. So when a professor at the university walked into my research class looking for people interested in doing a literacy based thesis focused on a literacy program called MULTILIT and the perceptions of how effective it was in making gains in academic literacy achievement in one school, it seemed like the stars were sort of aligned.

Until I realised that MULTILIT was an acronym for Making Up For Lost Time In Literacy, and was actually a Direct Instruction based phonics program and nothing to do with Multiliteracies. Still, I thought, it is a topic handed to me on a platter and there is some hands on research in there which is good. It sounds interesting enough. It could work. Then time passed and life’s stresses and the sheer complexity and involved process of applying for ethics approval to conduct research in a school, especially with Indigenous students sent me into flight mode. Eventually the study was reduced to a document study with MULTILIT still as the main focus, but more a genealogical study of literacy instruction. I was a long way from my initial interest in using multimedia, pop culture and technologies to enhance literacy learning and instruction, and I was stalling with it more than ever. After my final practicum turned upside down and left me facing doing it all again with no Austudy payments to support myself, my Thesis became even harder to focus on despite the tiny window of time I had to complete it in. When my laptop recently decided it was time to call it quits and go to computer heaven, I could have given up there and then quite easily. Fortunately my parents did come to my rescue and I have a new laptop for which I am very grateful. Though I can only admit that it did cross my mind that if I didn’t have a computer then I had a good excuse to give up. Still, I kept going.

So the question I am asking myself now, is, is it time to give up? Can I give myself permission now to let it go and move on? Because I no longer qualify for Austudy, I am on unemployment benefits and under massive financial stress. The stress of knowing that time is of the essence and that I need to find work as well is impacting my health. I bemoaned my health issues on Facebook last night and claimed I must have diabetes or be a hyperchondriac. But even on Facebook, where everyone else struggles to know how to interpret things other people have said, mothers can read between the lines immediately. She phoned me and told me I was too stressed, not eating properly and getting thinner (I’d have debated that but weighed myself this morning and found I was 46kg). So after a good talk with my Mum, I think I can finally give myself that permission.

I will give myself one week to make some significant gains on my Thesis and if I can’t, then it is time to say goodbye to the task which has become unenjoyable and not the piece of writing I thought it was going to be. When have you given yourself permission to give up? Do you regret it?

The Sound of Silence

Depression.

Sometimes it is a dirty word, a thing better off being swept under the rug.

Sometimes it is hard to talk about, both for the person suffering, and the person trying to help the person they love.

Sometimes it is the darkest and most isolating place you could imagine being trapped.

But it is always better to reach out than suffer alone, or let a loved one suffer for lack of knowing how to help. "Speak" is the mantra for those caught in the horrendous web of despair that depression can weave.

"Speak" is something I want to do. For all those that have suffered and are suffering. I have a in my precious little mind, a novel which I hope one day will speak to those people who might feel they have lost their voice. I intend to write it. And, as a believer in raising awareness, I have set myself a goal to become an ambassador for Beyond Blue (www.beyondblue.org.au) within 2 years.

Here is a little teaser for my book:

The Sound of Silence


Four people. One song. One tragic link buried in the past is about to resurface. Will history repeat itself? Or does someone have the power to stop it?

........

Felicity Free is a twenty-something, unlucky in love girl, who tends to march to the beat of her own drum. Struggling to build up her PR consultancy business in her not-so-flourishing North Queensland hometown, Flick seeks business from a wide range of clientele. Excited to take on rising local band Venus Fly Trap, she soon discovers that there is more to the eccentric rock outfit than meets the eye, especially the charismatic young lead singer who has an obsession with performing an old Simon and Garfunkel song that seems to silence his audience every time.

Jack Darling lives for his pub. Set against a spectacular tropical backdrop, the sleek and stylish bar is all Jack has left of his late wife Maggie. But business is hardly booming and Jack is desperate to get more punters through the door to save the dream he and Maggie once had together. When a cute-as-a-button PR consultant and quirky up and coming local band burst onto his radar, it seems as though his prayers have been answered. But things are never as they seem and it isn't long before Jack is suddenly faced with the demons he has had locked away for years.

School teacher Lexie Morgan has everything she ever thought she wanted. Recently relocated to one of the most sought after areas of North Sydney, her husband Andy has been offered a once in a lifetime opportunity as the senior graphic designer for Sydney's leading communications firm. With their two beautiful children and perfect home overlooking the beach, life should have been sweet for the Morgans. Yet for Lexie, the skeletons in her closet have always been lurking in the shadows. Now, with her ever troubled brother in danger of going over the edge, it seems those skeletons are about to be pushed out into the harsh light of day where Lexie can no longer hide from them.

Evan Sykes is a rock star from his hat to the tips of his toes. He has the talent to take him to the moon, but enough troubles to take him to Mars. When playing regular gigs at one of the coolest new revamped venues in town leads to interest from a major record label, Evan believes his troubles are over. Even the prospect of leaving behind his latest fling, PR queen Felicity, and moving to Sydney couldn't dampen his spirits. But all great things must end and a distasterous reunion with his estranged father is about to set Evan on course to repeat a tragedy that his family has already seen before. It is too late to change the past, but for Evan the future is still unwritten. The question is: what future will he write?

.........

Four souls. One song. One sound they've all heard before, about to unravel and stop them in their tracks. A sound so quiet, noone dares speak of it's existence. One which has potentially catastrophic consequences. Dark and unrelenting, it is a sound like no other... The sound of silence.

Flutter By

I feel strongly about the lack of awareness in this world about mental health issues and emotional disorders. Depression affects something like 1 in 3 people at some point of their lives. Anxiety disorders are just as common. There seems to be an increase in the mortality rate from suicide, particularly in young men. Just recently a young 13 year old boy in Cairns, who had been missing for over two months was found dead about 200m from his home. Noone knew he was depressed. He was popular and always smiling, and he achieved well at school and had an active social life. How long had he suffered in silence?

And only days ago, Jay Dee Springbett, an A&R executive for Sony music – but best known for his stint as a judge on Australian Idol – was found dead in his lounge room. It appeared he had suffered cardiac arrest. He had prescription drugs nearby. By all reports, he was a good man, full of cheer and good humour. He was bright spirited and his untimely end is a devastating loss to his friends and family. His funeral was held today in Sydney. How long had he suffered in silence?

Too many people suffer in silence. I know what that silence sometimes sounds like... and there is no denying that the silence people suffer in leads to way too many lives ending much too soon. For Jay Dee, for Declan, and for all the people who left this life prematurely, this poem is for you. For anyone else who has or is suffering in silence, please speak up. No-one should ever have to suffer in silence. Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of feeling things more intensely than others. If you hold out your hand and ask for help... that is a sign of strength. This poem is for you as well.


FLUTTER BY

Flutter by my butterfly
Dream of the deep blue sky
Fly like an eagle
Way up high
Listen closely to the ocean’s sigh
Fight like a warrior
With a spirit bright...
Flutter by...
Beautiful butterfly
Open your arms to forever
And fill your heart with a smile
Don’t cry
Just flutter by...
Let the truth do the talking
And your smile whisper to the sky
The secrets of the heavens
Let there be no question why
Close your mind to the darkness
Let life not pass you by
For the world is much too precious
And the stakes are much too high
Flutter by my butterfly
Dream of the deep blue sky
Open your arms to forever
...just flutter by

I can see a restless soul always itchin' to run...

This week I had my final week on campus at uni before graduating, all five days filled with sessions with various people from the education industry speaking about all the vital things we need to know and do before going off to be teachers.

Mostly I erred on the side of boredom. So I drew pictures. Here are my three favourites.

This is my interpretation of Wes Carr's forthcoming album title Lions.




This is magical flower, or a cosmic flower.




Actually it kind of matches my Cosmic Flower poem from a while back. Here is the poem again just for fun.


My Cosmic Flower

Deep in the cosmos you glimmer
Next to the starry sea
Like a lurid dream
Awash with fantasy
There's no sunshine there
No rain, or day or night
There's no awake or sleeping
And there' no wrong or right
On the jagged edge of this perforated universe
All looks convoluted and dismissive at first
Yet right on the banks of infinity
Murky, vast and bare
Nothing has it's limits
Not even the darkest despair
But there underneath a solitary beam of moonlight
Stands still, the most perfect precious sight
Untarnished and emitting
An other worldly glow
Your silhouette exquisite
A kaleidoscope rainbow
Never has there been anything so beautiful
Just standing quietly there
As you my cosmic flower
...my sacred love so rare


And this picture is a serpent which lives in your chest and sometimes threatens to squeeze the life out of you. It represents fear, anxiety, doubt and restlessness. And when he tightens and tries to take over your mind and body, it sometimes feels like you just want to run... the art is based loosely on Wes' song lyric "you can see a restless soul always itching to run".

An Open Letter To Spidey

Dear Spidey

I was quietly on my way today
From A to B poste haste
When silently you crept with stealth across my unsuspecting face
The fear, it froze me to my bones
What was I to do?
I was driving along a winding road
And I hadn't invited you!
Oh uninvited guest, I nearly swerved into a ditch!
Dear Mr Spidey, I thought,
You inconsiderate son of a bitch!
I almost crashed, I could have died,
My life flashed before my eyes
And it was all your fault dear spidey
You were not a good surprise!
But as I calmed I realised
You were simply a restless soul 
Just like me, you were itchin to run
Screaming to rock and roll!
A friend was all you needed
A friend, I surely can be!
But next time dear spidey, if you want to say hello
Please don't creep all over me! 


 

Always Believe...

“Lean in closer” you whispered
So I leaned right in.
I almost fell into you
“Smile just a little” your heart begged
So I did.
I beamed, and suddenly the night wasn’t so dark
“Close your eyes and listen” you soothed
So I closed my eyes and opened my heart
I heard you like a bell ringing in the night
“I’ll tell you a story” you promised
So I waited. I believed you.
“Surrender yourself to your dreams” you seduced
So I let go of the solid ground beneath me
And looked up to the sky
“Feel your toes curl like magic has infiltrated your body” you winked
So I felt it. I trembled in a coma of bliss
“Open your eyes and see it for yourself” you sighed
And so I looked. And I saw the sweet, tranquil wonder I’d missed
“Let me show you the secret” you offered
So I took your hand and never looked back
“Lean in closer” you beckoned
Your hands cupped, outstretched
So I did. I leaned in. I saw it
It was breathtaking
You showed me something mystical
Something majestic
Something full of spright
You showed me, not the whole world
You showed me just the light
“And the secret” you whispered,
“is not to let it guide you – let your heart do that..”
“the secret” you said with a glint in your eye
“is to bathe in it”
“For if you do, you will always shine like the brightest star in the sky”
And I believed you
...I always have